Recently a young woman, aware of the dysfunctional home she grew up in and determined to create a healthy and intimate relationship with her husband and a good family atmosphere for her children, asked me, “Do people who grow up in functional homes simply know how to have good relationships? How do they learn it?”
Learning to communicate constructively, to be aware of our own weaknesses and own our mistakes, rather than become defensive when these show up in our relationships, is a life-long challenge, that requires intentional and focused attention. The quality and depth of our relationships can continue to mature and improve even if we were among those lucky enough to have grown up with excellent models. Learning to work together with our spouse as a team, capitalizing on the strengths of each individual, mutually and respectfully supporting each other in those areas of relative lesser competence, and tending to the quality of the space between us so that it remains safe and warm, involves life-long learning from experience and from others.
Amy Elizabeth Gordon, a colleague, has recently created a series of interviews entitled “A League of Extraordinary Couples” focused on discovering what matters most in dissolving conflicts and deepening connection. If you would like to listen to the interviews, you can access them at this link.
Irit Felsen
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